Every Fight You’ve Ever Had Was Never About What You Think
You know the fight. Maybe not the loud one. The quiet one that keeps showing up with someone you love.
Same conversation. Different day. You explain yourself again and somehow you still walk away feeling unheard.
Maybe it’s your partner. Maybe it’s your mom or a sibling. Maybe it’s the coworker who means well and still gets under your skin every single time.
You’ve tried talking it through. You’ve tried staying calm. You’ve tried just letting it go.
And it comes back anyway.
Not because you don’t care enough. Something underneath the fight never got understood. And until it does, the same friction keeps surfacing.
That’s the thing you’re struggling with right now. Not the fight itself. What’s underneath it.
The Fight Was Never the Fight
Here’s what’s actually happening. That fight was never about what you thought you were fighting about.
Not the dishes. Not the schedule. Not the comment that seemed to come out of nowhere.
Underneath every one of those was something that never got understood. That’s the part that keeps resurfacing.
You can solve the dishes. You can rearrange the schedule. But the friction stays because you solved the wrong thing.
The real issue was never sitting on the surface. It was invisible the whole time.
You couldn’t understand what you didn’t have language for. Neither could they.
Name What’s Underneath
Here’s what nobody told you. Everyone is created a certain way. Before any of the labels, before any of the roles, your wiring was already there.
It shapes how you see the world. It shapes how you see everyone in it.
You and the people you love have been reading each other this whole time. Except nobody gave you the language to read them right.
How and why you’re wired has a name. I want to introduce you to ING energy™.
And once you understand it, you understand why every one of those fights keeps resurfacing.
Recognition Through the Seven
Everyone carries one of the seven ING energy types. Let me show you what I mean.
- perceive ING™. You see what should be before anyone else does. You’re usually brutally honest about it. In a fight, you assume everyone else already sees what you see. They don’t, and missing that can land as harsh.
- serve ING™. You notice what people need before they ask. You’ll flex to whatever the moment requires. In a fight, you’re still trying to fix things, even mid-argument. You’ll keep the peace even when it costs you.
- teach ING™. You can’t move forward until everyone understands, including yourself. Every detail matters to you before you can let something go. In a fight, it’s never about who’s right. It’s about what’s right.
- encourage ING™. You see what’s possible before anyone else believes it. You’d rather look forward than dwell on what’s behind you. In a fight, you’re still holding out hope for the two of you. But ignoring the past means you risk repeating it.
- give ING™. You always find a way to share what you have. You’ll go without if it means helping someone else. In a fight, you feel disregarded for the sacrifices you made. You needed them to notice what it cost you.
- lead ING™. You already have a plan for the chaos. You enjoy being busy and know how to make it better. In a fight, imperfect execution doesn’t rattle you at all. What gets to you is excuses, unkept promises, or no action at all.
- mercy ING™. You feel other people’s pain like it’s your own. You have to work to keep your emotions in check. In a fight, being dismissed makes you want to build a wall between you and them. Once that wall goes up, it’s hard to come back down.
One of those just landed in your spirit differently than the rest. That’s not random. That’s recognition.
Your ING Type Was Never the Problem
Not having language for it was.
You don’t choose your ING type. You do choose where it flows from. Fear, or love.
Same wiring, two completely different outcomes. When it flows from fear, people feel the ugliness. When it flows from love, they feel understood.
That’s true no matter which of the seven ING types you are.
Do you know your ING type? Most people don’t yet. That’s exactly what the quiz is for. It’s free, and your results go straight to your inbox.
The Same Wiring, Every Relationship
That friction isn’t only happening with the person closest to you.
It shows up with your friends. It shows up with your boss. It shows up with a neighbor, or even a stranger you’ll never see again.
The relationship changes. Your wiring, your ING type, underneath it doesn’t.
You know the airplane drill. They tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you help someone else. Understanding your ING type is where this starts.
Understanding someone else’s ING type takes work. It’s not about changing them. It’s about understanding each other so you can communicate better.
That’s what we’re walking through here. Relationships. With the people closest to you, those at work, and in your community.
Those relationship snags that keep coming up? They were never really about what you thought they were about.
They were about wanting to be understood. And understanding them back.
Now you have a place to start.
Your identity IS your purpose.™
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Stephanie Mason is the founder of TSMI™ and creator of the 7 ING energy Types™ framework. ING energy™, ING type™, perceive ING™, serve ING™, teach ING™, encourage ING™, give ING™, lead ING™, mercy ING™, and Your identity IS your purpose.™ are trademarks of TSMI™.