Why the Fresh Start You Wanted Doesn’t Stay Fresh
You join something new. A volunteer team. A book club. A sorority. A committee at church. No one there has a mental file on you yet. No old label. No baggage from a hundred past conversations.
For a while, that feels amazing. You’re just people showing up for something you all care about. You show up early. You bring your best self. This time feels different.
Then a few weeks in, something familiar creeps back in.
The Friction You Didn’t Expect
Someone handles a task differently than you would. You catch yourself thinking they’re doing it wrong. You didn’t expect tension here. You all want the same thing, so why does it feel hard anyway?
Maybe it’s a decision that gets made without you. Maybe it’s watching someone drop the ball on something you would’ve caught right away. No one set out to cause friction. You’re all just showing up as yourselves. That’s exactly what’s creating it.
Two Ways We Protect a Fresh Start
Here’s what most people do without realizing it.
One path: you quietly steer the group toward doing things your way. You assume that’s what everyone actually wants anyway. You take on more than you were asked to, just so it gets done right. You stop asking for input because it’s faster to just handle it yourself.
The other path: you hold back your natural contribution. You don’t want to seem difficult somewhere you chose to be. You catch yourself before you say what you’re really thinking. You let smaller things slide, even when they bother you.
Both paths feel like keeping the peace. They’re actually you protecting the fresh start you wanted.
What’s Really Happening Underneath It
Everyone in your group has an ING type, whether they’ve ever heard the term or not. It shapes what each person notices first, what they care about most, and how they naturally contribute.
I want to introduce you to ING energy. It helps you understand exactly why alignment feels hard, even when everyone wants the same thing.
Every person sees through their ING type like a lens. That lens decides what feels obvious to them and what feels like something else entirely.
It’s Not About Which Type You Are
Here’s the part that matters most for a group like this: any ING type can align with any other ING type. No pairing is doomed from the start.
What actually decides whether two people click or clash isn’t which ING type they carry. It’s whether each one is flowing from fear or love in that moment. Someone flowing from fear protects the way they’ve always done things. Someone flowing from love makes room for a different way to work too.
This isn’t about finding the one right way to contribute. It’s about recognizing the lens each person in the room is using. Once you see that, the friction stops feeling personal. It starts making sense. That’s where alignment actually starts.
The Seven ING energy Types in a Group
Every ING type can show up from fear, selfishness, and insecurity, or from love, selflessness, and security. Here’s what that looks like when each ING type is contributing to something shared.
perceive ING
In a group, they see what’s not working before anyone else does. From fear, they point out every flaw and rarely say what’s working. From love, they raise problems early so the group can fix them together.
serve ING
In a group, they quietly pick up whatever needs doing. From fear, they overextend and quietly resent that no one else stepped up. From love, they fill gaps without a big to-do.
teach ING
In a group, they want everyone on the same page. From fear, they over-explain until people stop listening. From love, they make sure no one gets left behind or left out.
encourage ING
In a group, they keep everyone’s spirits up. From fear, they gloss over real problems just to protect the mood. From love, they name what’s possible without denying what’s hard.
give ING
In a group, they show up with resources, time, whatever’s needed. From fear, they provide to be noticed. From love, they provide freely, no scorekeeping.
lead ING
In a group, they organize the chaos into something workable. From fear, they take over without asking anyone else. From love, they organize while making room for other people’s ideas.
mercy ING
In a group, they read the room’s emotional temperature. From fear, they absorb everyone’s feelings until they burn out. From love, they create the safety that lets everyone else be honest.
The Friction Was Never About You
One of those types probably landed differently than the rest. That’s not random. That’s recognition.
The friction you feel in a new group was never proof you’re difficult. It was never proof the group’s wrong for you either. It’s different ING types trying to align without a shared language yet.
You don’t choose your ING type. You’re born with it. But you do choose where it flows from: fear, selfishness, and insecurity, or love, selflessness, and security. Same wiring, two completely different outcomes in a room full of people trying to build something together.
Language for What You’ve Always Felt
Remember that fresh start you were hoping for? No baggage, no old label, no history to blame? That ache doesn’t go away in a new group. It just shows up without an excuse this time.
This same pattern was there with the people who raised you. It showed up again with the people you report to, or the people who report to you. Now it shows up here, with people who chose to be there for the same reason you did.
The relationship changes. Your ING type doesn’t. What changes is your choice, whether you show up from fear or from love, every single time.
You can’t force alignment. But you can offer something no one in your group had before: language for how you’re all actually wired.
If you don’t know your ING type yet, you’re not alone. Most people don’t. That’s exactly what the free ING energy quiz is for, and you can go deeper into all seven ING types in the book, 7 ING energy Types.
Your identity IS your purpose.
Stephanie Mason is the founder of TSMI and author of 7 ING energy Types. She created the ING energy™ system after 35 years of working with people on identity and purpose. Take the free ING energy quiz at ingtypes.com/ing-energy-quiz/.