Why Your Parent Still Doesn’t Understand You
Your parent still sees you the way they always have. The label they gave you. The story they told about who you are.
You’ve explained yourself a hundred times. Nothing lands.
You couldn’t explain why you saw things so differently either. You just knew something felt off between you.
Maybe you’ve spent years struggling to be understood by the person who raised you. Struggling to show them the version they never seem to see.
Maybe it shows up every holiday, the same comment about who you are. Like nothing’s changed since you were a kid.
Maybe it shows up in one sentence that still stings decades later. One you could quote word for word.
You’ve tried different words. You’ve tried patience. You’ve tried silence. Nothing closes the gap.
There’s a reason for that. And it has nothing to do with how hard you tried.
Meet ING Energy
I want to introduce you to ING energy.
Your parent’s ING type shaped a lens. How they see the world and everyone in it. That lens was set long before you came along.
They saw you through that lens. The way they raised you, corrected you, and tried to love you all passed through it.
When a parent flows from love, their ING type shows up as protection, encouragement, or room to grow. When a parent flows from fear, selfishness, or insecurity, that same ING type can show up as control, criticism, or distance.
If your parent acted out of fear, selfishness, or insecurity, that was their choice. Not something you caused. Not something you deserved.
You couldn’t see any of this as a child either. Your ING type shaped how you read every one of their actions.
Neither of you had the language for the difference between you. So the same tension kept resurfacing, year after year.
That’s what was missing all along. Not more effort. Not more patience. The language to finally understand each other’s ING type.
What Each ING Type Showed You Growing Up
Here’s what that lens looked like, depending on your parent’s ING type.
If your parent was a perceive ING, they noticed everything. Every mood shift, every detail out of place, every problem before it happened. Maybe they asked what was wrong before you knew yourself.
If your parent was a serve ING, they showed up in a hundred small ways. Meals made, forms filled out, needs met before you asked. Maybe you didn’t notice how much they did until you had to do it yourself.
If your parent was a teach ING, everything became a lesson. They wanted you to understand the reason behind every rule. Maybe they never gave a short answer, because every detail mattered to them.
If your parent was an encourage ING, they saw your potential before you did. They cheered you on and pushed you toward more. Maybe their belief in you felt like pressure you never asked for.
If your parent was a give ING, they provided. Time, money, resources, whatever you needed. Maybe you learned to notice what showed up, since the words rarely did.
If your parent was a lead ING, they liked a full day. Every hour planned, organized, a lot crammed in. Maybe they had every day mapped out for you, schedule taped to the fridge.
If your parent was a mercy ING, they felt what you felt. They were the first to notice when something was wrong. Maybe you felt deeply understood, or like you were walking on eggshells around them.
Seeing the Lens Changes Everything
When you see your parent’s ING type, you see the lens they were looking through all along.
You see why the label they gave you never fit. It came from what they could see, not all of who you are.
Neither of your ING types is wrong. Just different, and you didn’t have a way to see it.
The hurt doesn’t erase. If your parent flowed from fear, selfishness, or insecurity, that responsibility stays theirs to carry.
But now you get to choose something too. You get to see your ING type, and choose where you flow from.
Healing starts when you’re honest about that. Not to excuse what happened, but to stop repeating it.
Do you know your ING type? Most people don’t yet. Take the free ING energy quiz. Your results go straight to your inbox.
This same pattern shows up everywhere, not just with a parent. With your kids, when you catch yourself repeating something you swore you’d never repeat. With a boss or mentor, anyone whose approval shaped how you saw yourself. With anyone who loves you imperfectly, which is every relationship you’ll ever have.
Their lens was never the whole story. Now you have the language to see past it.
Want to go deeper? 7 ING energy Types walks through all seven types in full, including what each one looks like at its best and what it looks like when it’s out of alignment.
Your identity IS your purpose.
Stephanie Mason is the author of 7 ING energy Types and the founder of TSMI. ING energy™, ING type™, perceive ING™, serve ING™, teach ING™, encourage ING™, give ING™, lead ING™, mercy ING™, and Your identity IS your purpose.™ are trademarks of TSMI™.